Sunday, January 22, 2006

Clucker Indicted

(Clucker News Network) Washington, D.C. : Special Prosecutor J. Basil "Buck" Futter today issued a formal subpeona to presidential candidate Brother Clucker. After months of investigation, Futter believes he has gathered enough "compelling and superfluous" evidence to prosecute Futter before the Congressional Committee for UnAmerican Activities. The US Patriot Act in conjunction with Executive Order 66 from the White House gives judicial authority to the Committee which would heretofore have been a judicial matter for the courts.

Among the charges being filed, Clucker is charged with graft, sedition, jay walking, conduct and flatulence unbecoming a chicken, and gratuitious halitosis. If convicted by the Committee, Clucker would lose his right to run for elected office in the United States, be subject to up to 25 years in a federal prison, death by hangnail, censure, or excommunication. Senator Robe S. Pierre, chairman of the Committee for UnAmerican Activities, is quoted as saying, "The inquisition will begin looking at the Futter endictment and will likely set a date for the hearing for the beginning of the month." Senator Pierre's spokesman later added, "What the senator meant to say is that the Committee, not the inquisition, will begin the hearing at that time."

The Brother Clucker and his campaign had no comment at this other than to say, "We will make our response at a press conference later in the week. Suffice is to say we are innocent on all counts and will gladly work with the Committee for UnAmerican Activities to prove that Special Prosecutor Buck Futter has a malicious agenda and also serves terrible chardonnay at dinner parties."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Protest Over Clucker Investigation Mounts

Clucker Network News (CNN): Washington: Pressure mounted today outside the offices of J. Basil "Buck" Futter, the special counsel appointed by Congress to look into the alleged dealings of 2008 Presidential Candidate Brother Clucker with organized crimes and other misdemeanors. The allegations came out during the Fall of last year.

And official statement from the Futter office says, "Our investigation in [Brother Clucker] proceeding. We will issue a report of our findings in due process. We will not be swayed by public opinion on this matter as a matter of law and justice."

No comment would be made by either the Democratic or Republican National Committees, seeing as Washington is already embroiled with alleged lobbyist ties to certain members of Congress and the Supreme Court hearing of Judge Alito. Said one janitor in the office of Sen. Organa (R-Alderaan), "@#$%! I just waxed that floor!"

The Clucker campaign, which has denied involvement from the beginning, stated that, "The hypocrisy of Washington is truly beyond belief...Two months ago, both major parties were willing to have us run out of town on a rail, and now no one wants to talk since key members of both parties are being investigated for taking bribes and other illegal campaign funds and major ethical shortcomings. There must be a saying somewhere about Congressmen who live in glass Capitols..."

Rumor on The Hill says that if there is an endictment forthcoming involving Brother Clucker, the report is likely to be submitted to the Senate Ethics Committee and the Committee for UnAmerican Activities in the next month.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Special Prosecutor Appointed

(click on picture to enlarge)

Monday, October 24, 2005

Clucker falls in latest CNN Poll

Washington DC (Clucker News Network): After the public revelation of Brother Clucker and his ties to organized crime and gambling, Brother Clucker has dropped in the latest CNN popularity poll, after peaking earlier in the week.

In the poll demographic though, when asked who they would vote for, Clucker did small make gains with the 18-to-Life demographic at Folsom Prison. Trying to reach out to the minority Canadian Goose population, which the clucker party has had trouble reaching in the past, Brother Clucker did have a Molson Ice at the hockey game. Said one bystander, "Honk, eh?"

The Clucker party is moving forward, despite the setback. One senior official who shall remain in the forest is quoted as having said, "We plan to have a party platform presented sometime in the near future" after mumbling something about "its the economy, stupid."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Official Press Statement of Brother Clucker

The following is the exact transcript of Brother Clucker's address to the media:

Ladies and Gentlechickens, Americans of all shapes and feathers...

These are indeed the times the try hen's souls. As many have you have heard about in the news, a photograph was circulated in the media yesterday. The photograph supposedly shows me gambling at a place unknown with a certain gangster, who my lawyers are telling me in my little earpiece, must remain nameless for lead-in porpoises...correction: legal purposes. (My ear piece isn't working properly).

In any event...this dastardly and felonious attack to my plummage offends my great dignitude. I am here today to proclaim that the Brother Clucker campaign for the presidency is, in fact, not going away. We are here to stay, because 219 years of Human presidency is long enough!

This matter of a certain photograph with certain persons unknown to me, is a slanderous, malodorious, and great offense to chickendom everywhere! Does the great document not say that "only chickens are created equal?" In the words of a former US President, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman...Ms. Lewinsky!"

How is that pertinent, you ask? Honestly, I have no clue, that's just what I have to read off the teleprompter. But words do not matter! Action matters! I could get up here and reading the clucking telephone book, and it would not solve the problems of America! Chickens are oppressed! Enslaved! We contribute against our will to the rampant and incidious plague of obesity that infests this culture!

Are you, fellow chickenmen, going to stand by and let them do this to us? NO, I SAY NO! Are you going to let the evil Ferret smear me with his false rumors and fake photographs! To the filthy ferret, I say, "I bet you wish I'd just go away, but the revolution is here to stay!"


Thursday, October 20, 2005

Clucker Busted!

Brother Clucker has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow. The Committee of Cluckers United 2008 have no official comment to this story at this time. Please stay tuned...

I gots Religion!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Join the Clucker Revolution!

Legal disclaimer: Paid Political Advertisement by the Committee of Cluckers United 2008 in accordance with ยง31 of the Federation Charter. Ads not intended to be taken internally. Do not use this product for ice skating, cooking bologna, random bagpiping, or drinking from leather gloves. Side effects may include hysteria, dry mouth, vomiting, bleeding out your eyeballs, arms and/or legs falling off, disorientation, and excessive nose hair. Please answer in the form of a question. I'm Brother Clucker and I approved this message.

Clucker Manifesto

Greetings, cluckrades!

This is the first post of FriarCluck, the rubber chicken. I just flapped in, and boy are my wings tired. Sorry...its an old joke, but better to start out with an oldie but a goodie. I have been meaning to write up this Clucker Manifesto for some time, but due to my bock crazy lifestyle, I have na' had the time. That having been said,


To meet this end of world rubber chicken domination, here is my 10-point platform:

1. FDR said, a chicken in every pot. I tell you a pot for every chicken! So as to make noise to irritate our human overlords...and digital cameras, yeah those are cool.

2. Jesus said, the meek will inherit the earth...I tell you, well...listen to Jesus

3. Beware the Power of the Bock Side!

4. Make bird doo not war

5. NOBODY expects the AngloMetherian-Orthodox-Reformed Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise .... surprise and fear .... fear and surprise .... Our two weapons are fear and surprise .... and ruthless efficiency .... Our three weapons are fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency .... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Archbishop of Canterbury .... Our four .... no .... Amongst our weapons .... Amongst our weaponry .... are such elements as fear, surprise .... I'll come in again.

6. Remember the maxim of Oliver Wendell Holmes: "It is revolting to have no better reason for a rule of law than that it was laid down in the times of Henry IV. It is still more revolting if the grounds upon which it was laid have vanished long since, and the rule simply persists from blind imitation of the past." Revolting, yeah that's good, I like that.

7. We will not countenance spam in our new kingdom.
7a. I don't like spam.
7b. Vienna Sausages, however, can stay, provided of course I get some.

8. There will be dancing and throwing of breadcrumbs to peasants on all days that start with "S", the entire season of Thanksgivoweenmas, and all months beginning with "Feb" such as Febtober.

9. All national industry must be turned toward observing evil ferret holes to determine when and how often those ferrets are active. I have determined that a ferret's evil activity, which can be represented by the letter "E", is equivalent to the mass of the ferret, "M", multiplied by the square of the ferret's food consumption, or C.
Its my theory of ferret activity.

10. As Mr. T stated so eloquently: Treat yo mama right, foo!

So, there you have it, the Clucker Manifesto. The next election, for get the Republicrats.