(Clucker News Network) Washington, D.C. : Special Prosecutor J. Basil "Buck" Futter today issued a formal subpeona to presidential candidate Brother Clucker. After months of investigation, Futter believes he has gathered enough "compelling and superfluous" evidence to prosecute Futter before the Congressional Committee for UnAmerican Activities. The US Patriot Act in conjunction with Executive Order 66 from the White House gives judicial authority to the Committee which would heretofore have been a judicial matter for the courts.
Among the charges being filed, Clucker is charged with graft, sedition, jay walking, conduct and flatulence unbecoming a chicken, and gratuitious halitosis. If convicted by the Committee, Clucker would lose his right to run for elected office in the United States, be subject to up to 25 years in a federal prison, death by hangnail, censure, or excommunication. Senator Robe S. Pierre, chairman of the Committee for UnAmerican Activities, is quoted as saying, "The inquisition will begin looking at the Futter endictment and will likely set a date for the hearing for the beginning of the month." Senator Pierre's spokesman later added, "What the senator meant to say is that the Committee, not the inquisition, will begin the hearing at that time."
The Brother Clucker and his campaign had no comment at this other than to say, "We will make our response at a press conference later in the week. Suffice is to say we are innocent on all counts and will gladly work with the Committee for UnAmerican Activities to prove that Special Prosecutor Buck Futter has a malicious agenda and also serves terrible chardonnay at dinner parties."